Mind Tricks

I heard myself say something stupid today. I know that's hard to believe, and that you probably spilled your coffee on the keyboard, but it is unfortunately true. A co-worker asked me how I was handling midnight shifts seeing as I've become accustomed to banker's hours. Without delving too deeply into a complaint about exhaustion, I explained how, "My room is a very deep colour and I have really thick curtains. I can trick myself into thinking it's nighttime."

Whoa.

Am I trying to claim that I'm smarter than myself? Or that me in the now is smarter than me in the future? That's well and good right now, but I'm not under the impression that past me from five minutes ago was smarter than the now me. In fact, I think he was less intelligent, as he had only the beginning grasp of this idea and I've already attempted to explain it at length. It that's true, then future me is going to be brilliant! How will I trick him?

If the time/space continuum theory doesn't tickle your fancy (or pinch your plain), there are two other likely reasons. One might be the narcissistic fantasy that I am royalty, and am speaking of my Royal Person. Sometimes we speak that way, to confuse the common. The other is Multiple Personality Disorder. Possible, probable, ponderable, and quite a popular option if you ask me. What a fantastic excuse that must be! I can see it now . . .

Mom: Did you have a wild party in my house?
Me: No.
Mom: We snuck a video camera in the corner of the room to film your antics while we were gone. Here's a tape of you. What do you have to say for yourself?
Me: Nothing. That's not me.
Mom: Would you care to tell me who that person is drinking all that wine?
Me: That's Patrick, the 47 year old electronics salesman. His wife left him because he was cheating on her, and he's a hopeless alcoholic.
Mom: Mmmhmm. And can you tell me why you broke the bottle over your head? Or was that Patrick?
Me: Oh no. That wasn't either of us.
Mom: (getting snarky now) And who was it then?
Me: That was his ex-wife . . .

Oh the hilarity! We all know that it most likely really was me drinking all that wine, but let's keep it to ourselves.